I use my writing often as a way to be an asshole. I actually don’t like being an asshole, and I actually kind of get a dirty feeling when I am less than kind to someone. However, I am quick to temper and it burns hot, and sometimes won’t quiet until I write something angry, be it poetry or a story, someone has to pay.
The title of this post has made me want to right the following fictional bit of blubber:
THE URGE TO BE A DICK My name is Richard, and something stupid inside me blames my parents for this name, as if it is the source. It isn't. My love for the female form is. I want to be a dick. My doctor's name is Dr. Slice. He was named after an orange soda. I ask if he likes pepper, and he says he hates that joke. I'm here for my consultation on the required surgeries to make me perfect. "Have you considered circumcision?" Dr. Slice asked. "I've heard that looks the best, but I'm worried about my head getting cold." "Dicks can wear sweaters, this is the twenty first century after all." Dr. Slice said through his orange rotted teeth. "Now I really need to discuss your eyesight. I have to break and remove the nose so I can push your eyes closer together, as you need to be able to see out of a rather skinny hole. Also we need to test you with several different species of large lizard to find your eyelid match. The reason I bring this up is that it is noted that you have rather poor eyesight and are not a candidate for laser surgery. We can continue but it is highly likely your eyesight will continue to diminish, and once this surgery is done, you can't wear glasses again." "I'll need to pray on it and speak with my wife." I left and walked the cold shame off on my way home. I enter my residence and look up at my 80 foot wife, knowing that I still lack the ability to fulfill her needs. Soon my sweet, my mind whispers as I kiss her shin.
Anyway, back to the point. I sometimes have the urge to say and do things contrary to my nature. A quote I love was in Art School Confidential (and I might misquote, but the gist is there) “Everyone is an asshole, I can just afford to be myself.”
I think about that a lot, and I don’t (as some do) equate it to a lack of church goers. Other than weddings, funerals, and special occasions otherwise unmentioned, I have never gone to church. I know nearly none of the prayers, nor the saints, nor the super powered people otherwise unmentioned. I was still raised not to be a dick. You meet someone for the first time once, and they remember it, even if its a superficial interaction. For instance, I’m a clerk at a small market store, and I try to be nice to everyone, and its easy and natural. Being nice to a dick is harder, but still easy, as its me, its not a lie.
Being nice gets boring, and you just want to rip someone’s head off. My outlet is my comedy, which is almost always writing a silly story (see above) or talking with a friend and riffing on an idea to make ourselves laugh. Sometimes my anger needs more than comedy, so I write something with more violence, or even just more bad things happening to the character. Its exercising complete control over a world.
Another example of how I am by nature nice and/or good: I have a lot of trouble doing bad things in video games (especially something like Fable or Mass Effect where it tracks your actions) even for gamerscore.
And with that I close this idiots mouth by way of breaking his fingers. Until next time I have something to say.